Im Tired

This week has worn me out. Have you ever been tired, but acutely aware of things that you have to do, want to do, would like to do? Sometimes I feel like there is no time to do anything. Seminary is challenging intellectually, physically, spiritually. It is very difficult to maintain spiritual feelings when you are subjected to deadlines etc. There are lots of great people but its difficult to connect at a personal non-seminarian level.
Who can really be great? Who can impact the world when its so difficult just to live? The sun goes down, and then comes up again. The papers are due then are returned with grades. Grades are meaningless. I clock in to work and clock out again. Most of what I do today is forgotten. The future is anticipated, but mostly will also be forgotten. And then we die, and if we are lucky will be remembered by a few for a moment and then we too are forgotten.
Working is a dose of reality. My coworkers have shared with me their own personal experiences with the Church. "My pastor stole thousands of dollars from the church and then blamed it on his staff." "Our worship pastor slept with his secretary and destroyed the congregation." "My pastor preached that fatness was an outward manifestation of sin, but he wore a girdle to hide his gut." "My pastor had a secret passage under the stage that lead to his limousine so that he could leave without talking to anybody."
Sounds like I have big shoes to fill. But then I realized, I don't want to be a pastor. I just want to preach the Gospel. I don't want a building. I don't want introductions. I just want the Word to speak through me. I want to awaken hearts to the reality of Christ's love. I want to faithfully preach the Bible. I want to be the aroma of Christ wherever I am whether I am at Whole Foods, DTS, or on my bike riding through the projects.
"Whoever has my commandments and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him." John 14:21
Jesus please help me to be obedient that you would reveal yourself to me. I want to know you better. I want to know more deeply your love for me that I might be better able to communicate to others how great your love is for them.